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"Ping Pong Girl"
Starring Vincent Rodriguez III and Rachel Bloom
Written by Adam Schlesinger, Rachel Bloom, Jack Dolgen, and Dan Gregor

Josh + Band
WHOA
YEAH
OKAAAY
HEY!!
WHOA
BROS
BEEEER
SPORTS!!

Josh
WHEN SHE WALKED INTO THE PING PONG HALL
CASUALLY TOSSING A PING PONG BALL
I COULD TELL SHE’S THE MOST PERFECT GIRL WHO’S EVER EXISTED

Band
DUDE!

Josh
OH MAN LOOK AT HER PONG THAT PING
WHEN SHE PLAYS SHE DOESN’T CARE IF ANYONE’S WATCHING
SHE DOES IT FOR HERSELF, AND THAT PUTS MY FEARS TO REST.

Band
BRO!

Josh
AFTER EACH RALLY, SHE CHUGS BEER INSTEAD OF WATER
SHE SO ALOOF IT BORDERS ON COLD
AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES ME WANT HER!

PING PONG GIRL
SHE’S SO INDEPENDENT
THIS FANTASY BEATS OUT FLIGHT ATTENDANT
SHE’S PLAYING PING PONG ON HER OWN TERMS.
SO I’M THE PURSUER!

Band
PURSUER

Josh
PING PONG GIRL
HER FOREHAND IS A JET STREAM
AND HER BACKHAND’S RIGHT OUT OF A SEX DREAM
AND THAT’S THE BEST MESSY BUN
I’D EVER SEEN IN THE WORLD

MY P - P - PING PONG GIRL
GIRL
GIRL
DUDES SING THESE KINDS OF SONGS!
WHOA!
BRO
SEGA
JOCK ITCH!!

Josh
WHEN SHE SERVES THE BALL, LOOK HOW SHE THROWS IT
SHE’S SO HOT BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT.
SHE PROBABLY JUST FOUND THAT OUTFIT LAYING AROUND.

Band
LIKE IN THE TRASH!

Josh
LOOK AT HER SKILL ON THE PING PONG, uuh…COURT!
NOTHING’S HOTTER THAN A CHICK WHO’S GOOD AT SPORTS
WHOA! SHE SCORED A THOUSAND POINTS
I THINK I LOVE HER

Band
THAT’S A LOT OF POINTS!

Josh
PING PONG SHOWS THAT SHE HAS CONTROL OVER HER BODY
BUT IT DOESN’T THREATEN MY MASCULINITY LIKE BASKETBALL OR HOCKEY!

PING PONG GIRL
SHE'S LIKE SERENA OR VENUS
JUST WATCHING HER SWING AFFECTS MY PENIS
YOU KNOW US DUDES
WE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT OUR PENISES.

Band
OUR PENISES.

Josh
PING PONG GIRL
SHE’S SO INDIFFERENT
IT MAKES ME WANT A TANGIBLE COMMITMENT
SHE AND I SHOULD GIVE A 30 YEAR MORTGAGE A WHIRL
MY P - P - PING PONG GIRL

Josh + Band
GIRL
GIRL
GIRL
MARRIAGE!
GIRL
GIRL
LET’S SHARE A COSTCO CARD!